So, it has been years since I've used this blog and actually had intended to create a new blog entitled - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. However, I have realized that I am not "techy" enough to use these new blogging sites (and too cheap to pay for one). So, here goes....
I have become inspired by the rawness and honestly that a friend, Ashley Summers Hudson, has shared about parenting on her blog, https://livinguncovered.com. In this blog she's chronicled life with a new baby and the struggles of becoming a parent. She is so genuine and has shared what I think many of us face but are too proud or too ashamed to admit. Parenting is not always lovely and all you dreamed of. Too many days it is hard and uncomfortable. It brings up deep, evil feelings and thoughts that most of us fail to admit. But if we are all feeling this way at times wouldn't it be better to share this? Seems so but too often we'd prefer to share the many fun and touching moments spent with our families and present to the world that we are supermom.
Well, lately life has not felt like that of a superhero. Especially not parenting life. We have been struggling and failing in the parenting department. Yes, our kids are well behaved publicly and are often complimented by strangers and that feels good. But Rob and I are parenting children that have experienced a difficult path in getting to this place. Alex, in particular, has experienced significant trauma in his life. And this trauma causes him to face battles daily and recently I've realized that love and stability and normalcy is not enough to recover from this.
Alex is hurt. He experienced trauma. This trauma impacts his daily life. He's hyper vigilant and constantly surveying his environment and trying to read reactions of others. And he struggles with interactions with others. It may not seem like it when you meet him or interact with him only briefly but he does. Bonding and attachment is not there. I am not yet sure if he's trying to push others away or just does not know how to bond. But this makes it hard. He hasn't bonded or attached with Rob or I in the way Junior and Noe have - and maybe he never will. This is hard. And although it's always been there to an extent the reality of this has hit us in the face lately.
We've begun a new journey of trying to help provide supports that allow him and us to learn better strategies for coping with his past. Therapy, research, post adoption supports, and trying to restructure how we do life. But it isn't easy. Parenting styles are learned from our parents and because of the jobs we do Rob and I also have expectations for behavior. We have settled into a pattern of how we parent and with Alex the strategies of reinforcement and consequences don't work. So we are going to have to learn a new pattern. But behavior is difficult to change. For both us and Alex. We respond the same way and so does he. Most recently for Alex this has led to negative interactions at home and school. And once he is in this pattern it settles in and he stays in the negative. So, we are all searching for new ways of responding. I can't say that any of us are doing a great job right now of changing our behavior. But I am hoping to see changes for all of us in the new year.
The saying is true - it takes a village. Our family, our community, the school, the professionals. All of us will have to accompany Alex in this journey. But our hope and expectation for him remains the same - follow directions, tell the truth, and do your best. If we can equip him with these skills we will have parented him successfully. Pray for Alex. Pray for Us.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up inthe discipline and instruction of the Lord.
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