The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

So, it has been years since I've used this blog and actually had intended to create a new blog entitled - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  However, I have realized that I am not "techy" enough to use these new blogging sites (and too cheap to pay for one).  So, here goes....

I have become inspired by the rawness and honestly that a friend, Ashley Summers Hudson, has shared about parenting on her blog, https://livinguncovered.com.  In this blog she's chronicled life with a new baby and the struggles of becoming a parent.  She is so genuine and has shared what I think many of us face but are too proud or too ashamed to admit.  Parenting is not always lovely and all you dreamed of.  Too many days it is hard and uncomfortable.  It brings up deep, evil feelings and thoughts that most of us fail to admit.  But if we are all feeling this way at times wouldn't it be better to share this?  Seems so but too often we'd prefer to share the many fun and touching moments spent with our families and present to the world that we are supermom.

Well, lately life has not felt like that of a superhero.  Especially not parenting life.  We have been struggling and failing in the parenting department.  Yes, our kids are well behaved publicly and are often complimented by strangers and that feels good.  But Rob and I are parenting children that have experienced a difficult path in getting to this place.  Alex, in particular, has experienced significant trauma in his life.  And this trauma causes him to face battles daily and recently I've realized that love and stability and normalcy is not enough to recover from this.

Alex is hurt.  He experienced trauma.  This trauma impacts his daily life.  He's hyper vigilant and constantly surveying his environment and trying to read reactions of others.  And he struggles with interactions with others.  It may not seem like it when you meet him or interact with him only briefly but he does.  Bonding and attachment is not there.  I am not yet sure if he's trying to push others away or just does not know how to bond.  But this makes it hard.  He hasn't bonded or attached with Rob or I in the way Junior and Noe have - and maybe he never will.  This is hard.  And although it's always been there to an extent the reality of this has hit us in the face lately.

We've begun a new journey of trying to help provide supports that allow him and us to learn better strategies for coping with his past.  Therapy, research, post adoption supports, and trying to restructure how we do life.  But it isn't easy.  Parenting styles are learned from our parents and because of the jobs we do Rob and I also have expectations for behavior.  We have settled into a pattern of how we parent and with Alex the strategies of reinforcement and consequences don't work. So we are going to have to learn a new pattern.  But behavior is difficult to change.  For both us and Alex.  We respond the same way and so does he.  Most recently for Alex this has led to negative interactions at home and school.  And once he is in this pattern it settles in and he stays in the negative.  So, we are all searching for new ways of responding.  I can't say that any of us are doing a great job right now of changing our behavior.  But I am hoping to see changes for all of us in the new year.

The saying is true - it takes a village.  Our family, our community, the school, the professionals.  All of us will have to accompany Alex in this journey.  But our hope and expectation for him remains the same - follow directions, tell the truth, and do your best.  If we can equip him with these skills we will have parented him successfully.  Pray for Alex. Pray for Us.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up inthe discipline and instruction of the Lord.

The Night Owl

In looking through my few blog posts I noticed that I never took time to write one featuring Junior...so here it is.  Junior, is my night time buddy, the night owl of the crew.  While Alex and Noe go to bed at a regular (or even early) hour Junior got in a stage a few months after coming to live with us in which he refused to go to bed and we have just never been able to get him out of it.  So, after a while we just gave in and he stays downstairs with us when the other two go to bed.  Typically, the night is that he and I sit in the living room and watch television until he falls asleep.  Most nights the sleep is enhanced by a little melatonin.  Until sleep kicks in Junior has become quite the tv addict and will freely cite "Survivor", "Big Bang Theory", and "Wipeout" as his favorite shows.

Reading

Exercising

     

But although the sleep is still sometimes disturbed in the middle of the night as well, I must admit I cherish our night time ritual.  We have unspoken routines and part of this is snuggle time, tickle time,      and sweet 1-1 moments that are a rare find for a mother of three.  And, then suddenly..he sleeps and   I just watch him and think how blessed I am.

Finally asleep!

During the day he is the epitome of contradictions.  For the most part, Junior is tough and active.  Always running about, exploring and is known by my family as Diego.  He will take on any challenge and has shown absolutely no fear this summer as he has conquered the pool and diving board.  But he is also quick to cry if hurt (like uncontrollably!) and wants to be consoled.  And as active as he is Junior is also content to watch television or sit and read a book.  

But I think Junior may be best known for his irresistible smile (accentuated by his missing teeth).  We worry that he may use that smile in the future, as he does often now, to smile his way out of trouble and into trouble with the ladies.  

I wanted to share a friend's blog about the photo session we did with her and her husband for our family portraits.  She (and I) told our story and I want to share it with others.

http://frayededgeconcepts.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/h-family-portrait-session-greenville-nc-photographer/

Christmas With the Harringtons

Here it is December 26th, a windy/rainy day here that kept us all inside and in pajamas all day and I sit thinking about the many blessings we have received this past year.  The best gift we received this year was to officially become a family.  On December 11th we all went to the courthouse in Pitt County and had a small, private ceremony in which the Clerk of Court made the adoption of the boys official!  We were surrounded by Rob's immediate family, Morgan Pearce, Caty Gray Urquhart, our pastor Diane Christianson, and our two social workers Jennifer Stroud and Nikki Mears.  It was a very touching ceremony because the Clerk had adopted a child 26 years ago and she got choked up as she talked to us about the joys and responsibility of adoption.  Had I known how special it would be I would've probably thought to video it.  She also allowed the boys to seal and stamp their papers.  

We celebrate with a few small gifts - books about adoption, official Harrington sweatshirts for the boys, and a special plate Rob's mom had made for us.  Then we were off to a celebratory dinner at McDonald's (don't think the boys noticed that it wasn't the special dinner we would have liked to have had) before rushing off to Alex's school Christmas program.  

At the program he made us so proud!  I think this boy has a future on the stage.  

We also enjoyed a party this season thrown by Century Link for foster kids, the Bethel Christmas parade, and dinner at church with Santa.  Although we would've liked to do some other fun Christmas things there just didn't seem to be time to fit it all in.  Again, the boys didn't seem to mind or notice and enjoyed every moment of the things we did do.  

 

After all of those fun things we finished up school and headed off to Maryland to visit my family before  Christmas.  Mom hosted several fun things at her new house with Curt - tea with the Aunts which my roomate, Carolyn, came to also so that we could catch up as well, our family dinner and gift exchange on Friday evening, baking cookies with Aunt Susan and Grammy at Susan's house Saturday morning, Cousins gift exchange Saturday evening - with munchies and fantastic soup by Levi and Hope, and then a quick breakfast Sunday morning after church before we headed back to NC so we wouldn't miss Santa!  (Sorry, no pictures from this trip since I packed everyone else's stuff and then forgot my camera!)

We made it back to NC in time for Christmas Eve so we could make sure that Santa could find us.  And find us he did!  Plenty of new toys and lots of fun for mommy and daddy watching our faces light up with excitement.  But, the best gifts our these three, special boys that have come to steal our hearts and the hearts of everyone that meets them.  We are so thankful for them and all of the love and support of our families and community in welcoming them.  

Sitting back...feeling blessed!  

Can’t seem to stop reflecting back to a year ago and how hard I battled depressive feelings trying so hard on a daily basis to trust in God’s plan.  Despite my best efforts it really was a constant battle and I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into despair.  In order to fight against it I knew I had to turn to God.  David Crowder’s song “Shine” came out about the same time and I identified with the words of that song.… “Shine your light so I can see you.  Pull me up, I need to be near you.  Hold me, I need to feel love.  Can you overcome this heart that’s overcome”.  It’s so hard to face the feeling of being overcome or overwhelmed by your circumstances.  As a Christian, you have to just trust in the Lord and his plan for your life but despite all of that the natural, human tendency to rely on yourself is hard to fight. 

A year later it seems like a whirlwind…wish I had been keep a daily journal to track it all because it happened so fast.  I looked to facebook for a record of what I might have been feeling or facing but seems even facebook did not hold the answers.    But it was mid September before we even found out our license to be foster parents had finally been approved. And relying on my memory is proving to lead to inaccuracy.  I somehow got October 17^th confused and started believing the 19^th was the anniversary of the boys arrival.  Nonetheless, it has been a crazy year.

When we tell people that it has been a year most say they can't believe it and ask us if it feels like a year.  It really doesn't.  We've done so much and been through all the major milestones...first holidays/birthdays, etc. but time has just flown by.  Looking back at the pictures and seeing all of their chubby little faces and thinking about how they reacted those first days and all we've gone through since then.  Noe could walk and feed himself but he was so still and mostly stood and stared.  Now he is running (usually with some sort of ball), jumping, and talking up a storm.  We had been so worried about his speech delays and now he can say anything and amazes us every day.  Junior and Alex both had their share of behaviors initially and the path wasn't always easy but things appear to have smoothed out.  Despite those the good times have far outweighed the bad and the boys have brought more joy to our lives then I ever knew was possible.

So as we celebrate a year and wait for the adoption to be finalized I have to realize that we are now in whatever "groove" there is when you have three boys under the age of 5 so it is time to reflect about God's amazing gifts.  It is totally true that if you are just faithful God will give you the desires of your heart!  

The Ramblin' Pizza Man

So I don't know why its taken me so long to post about Alex.  He is a man of so many stories!  Alex is definitely the most precocious of all of the kids. He is constantly in motion and hears and sees EVERYTHING.  Alex is a terrific big brother (mostly) and can be the sweetest, most nurturing big brother to both Junior and Noe.  He definitely looks out for them even though he's terribly jealous and wants to ensure he gets everything they get (every crumb, every bit of attention, etc.)

Alex knows no stranger!  He is so outgoing and runs to hug nearly everyone he meets.  Although sometimes his lack of boundaries can be a bit awkward - like when he was hugging on the people looking at the house next door (it helped us keep our current neighbors in place a little longer though!) I think most people generally love his hugs and sweetness.  And Alex will talk to anyone and ask anything as well.  Hence, part of his nickname...The Ramblin' Pizza Man.  

This nickname was given to Alex by Rob's father.  And Ramblin' is partially his constant talking but also his always being in motion (ramblin' about the house).  And then Alex's favorite food in the world...that I believe he'd eat for every meal is Pizza!  And because the nickname is unique and something he does not have to share he is quite found of it.  Back in the Spring when Alex was spending every afternoon with Rob's parents   if you would ask him to stop talking for a moment he'd respond by saying "But, Mom, I can't...I'm the Ramblin' Pizza Man"!  And who can argue with that logic?  

  Alex is smart enough to apply this kind of logic to any situation because of his incredible memory.  This boy remembers EVERYTHING!  And lately his skill for memorizing the things we say to him seems to come back to haunt us.  I will hear him repeating my words while pretending with Junior and Noe or he will quote the back to us with such innocence that is hard to do anything but laugh.  

I sure hope he carries this skill with him to school which he starts in just a few weeks.  Kindergarten/Big School!  WOW!!! I've spent the last half of preschool worrying about the transition but this Summer has been good and, although I know there will be bumps along the way, I am feeling more and more confident that he will have a good year.  I just hope his curious nature will pay off.  Lately, he's been asking how to spell things and seems to express a general interest in learning.  So if he can just focus long enough I know he's a sponge and will soak it all in.

Speaking of transitions...just last night he rode his bike without training wheels for the first time.  We've been encouraging him for months and felt he was ready.  Fortunately, his wheel fell off during a ride around Bethel and so Rob followed him back home on foot and he's pretty darn amazing!

So, as I am so new to this whole blogging world I wonder...is it okay to post something about me on this blog? Or is this for the kids and recording the special events and moments in their lives and I need a separate one for posting about myself or what inspires me?  Who knows...and frankly I don't have time to start another blog so here goes.....

 I went on a run tonight.  Nothing special....3 miles (hopefully) at my typical, slow pace - which is so slow I won't post the time because most of you are way more impressed by me saying I ran 3 miles.  Instead of plugging in the ear buds or running with a friend I ran solo.  I also decided to take a quiet, country road instead of my typical, also quiet run through our small Southern town and neighborhood.  It was so amazing to run without the noise of my Itunes in my head.  I thought that I probably need to do this more often on my typical three mile runs and leave the ear buds for long runs (if I ever get back to running enough to manage some of those).  Because right now more than running for fitness, weight loss, or my pure love/hate relationship with running I run to have some time away from the busyness of my life and finding a few moments of solitude and peace.  It also gave me time to talk to, and more importantly, listen to God.  And maybe I was just looking for something to tell myself that God was talking to me but I swear I felt his presence in the peace of the run.  His touch in the gentle breeze, his presence in the deer watching me from the edge of the woods, and best of all his voice!  Telling me that I run from him but that if I'd just seek him I'd see he was there.

I felt so good about choosing to run, choosing to do it without music, and on another path and I was feeling so good that I even PUSHED myself to finish with what runners call a negative split.  This is when you take less time to run the second half of your run (or something like that).  Yes, it was by mere seconds but just the fact that I was PUSHING myself at the end of a run was inspirational to me as a runner.

I was so excited about this run and in such a happy mood because of it I went into the house feeling super recharged and with intentions of capturing the run through a simple facebook post.  But then, I walked in the house and just when I thought this run couldn't get any better I was greeted by Junior who asked if I ran fast.  Feeling good about the effort for the negative split I said "Yes", but then in my more typical, self-deprecating way I added "well, fast for me".  Then he clapped his hands and said "Good Job Mommy" and so, just when I thought this run could not have been any better he made it fantastic!  Add to that the fact that he was super concerned about how I was covered in bugs and super sweaty (the down side of an evening run on a country road in Eastern North Carolina in July!)